Man Laws (highly offensive, rather funny, safe for work)

[slowSSer]

ok, so throw tomatoes at me if this is a repost. see if I care:


[SIZE=3]THE OFFICIAL LIST OF MANLAWS


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".


3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.


4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.


5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.


6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.~ However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.


7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. Then, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.


8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.


9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.


10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's
officially your girlfriend.


11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink with an umbrella only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...~ and it's delivered by a topless model and only
when it's free.


12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.


13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.


14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos.~ Ever. Issue closed.


15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.


16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the
other sports watchers.


17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.


18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.


19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.


20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.


21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!


22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible
nod is all the conversation you need.


23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. And keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.


24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason
for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.


25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.


26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.


27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an X-box.~ End of story.


28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:


"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying
somewhere?"


"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say,
"You're next!"


We hope this clears up any confusion.


Sincerely,

The International Council of Manlaws [/SIZE]

[tbowren]

where is the offensive part?

[Dino Brown]

Man Law #47 -- Friends help you move--- best friends help you move bodies!!!!

Expect better one's from me later today!

[Fired Yo Momma]

I have broken man law # 5. It was not my fault she was crazy and I told my buddy that I did not want to do this but he was cool about it and enchorged it. Today he is still one of my best friends and his sister and I are still cool.

[slowSSer]

Originally Posted by tbowren

where is the offensive part?

...depends on who's reading.

Originally Posted by Dino Brown

Man Law #47 -- Friends help you move--- best friends help you move bodies!!!!

Expect better one's from me later today!

a friend will bail you out of jail. a true friend will be sitting in the cell next to you saying "damn, that was fun!!!"

[Wrecker]

Originally Posted by Dino Brown

Man Law #47 -- Friends help you move--- best friends help you move bodies!!!!

Watch it, that's woman law, too

[ShinKen]

me likeeyy this one!! muhahhahaaa!!
[SIZE=3]16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as [SIZE=4]spies[/SIZE] until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the
other sports watchers.[/SIZE]

[CalEpic]

Rule #85 (The Sergeant Schultz Rule): When queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence

[MuddyEdgar]

#29 a real man would never put flowers on his ears.

You had to be @ Heroes yesterday to understand.


DB wtf ? lmao

[SheDevil]

Originally Posted by ShinKen

me likeeyy this one!! muhahhahaaa!!
[SIZE=3]16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as [SIZE=4]spies[/SIZE] until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the
other sports watchers.[/SIZE]

See I agree with this one...the female that CLAIMS to love a sport and when you go with her to this sport she's flipping her hair and not watching any of the game...POSERS!!! Sport loving women PLAY the sport. If you never played it....you're not a real fan in my opinion. I'm overly opinionated today...don't mind me too much

[ShinKen]

Originally Posted by SheDevil

POSERS!!! Sport loving women PLAY the sport. If you never played it....you're not a real fan in my opinion. I'm overly opinionated today...don't mind me too much

dont worry sweet chicks!! I for one agree to your opinion 100% u aint alone on this one!!

POSERS r just plain loooSaars!!

[Wrecker]

Hold on, cause I like hockey but haven't gone any further than owning/using my own hockey skates--never played. And, I know a girl that plays football--not sure that I'd ever want to go up against her on the field no matter how much I loved the sport!! (I can watch it, but won't claim to be a fan)

[SheDevil]

Right...but being a fan is okay...just don't be DIEHARD dragging people and doing tailgates unless you're pointing your face in the direction of the field right???? I'm a huge hockey fan, but I'm not organizing my life over it Thats all we're sayin Like and love baby...like and love.

[OTHRIDER]

[SIZE=3]1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.[/SIZE]

Subsection a:
It is permissible to share an umbrella with your brother during a hail storm when you're seated on the 50-yard line of Lambeau Field and your brother starts to bleed from repeated pelts to his noggin.

[SIZE=3][SIZE=2]Of course, I made him hold the umbrella while I held (and guzzled) his brewski[/SIZE] [/SIZE]

[Dino Brown]

Originally Posted by MuddyEdgar

#29 a real man would never put flowers on his ears.
You had to be @ Heroes yesterday to understands.
DB wtf ? lmao

Look at that smile... What was I supposed to do?

[SAR_boats]

#32 Men scratch(themselves), burp and fart. If we are being polite we will try not to be too obvious about it. (i.e. no high fives afterwards)

#33 Unless you are a professional sports coach, and the other guy is a professional player, giving a "good game" butt slap is ghey. Giving a squeeze is ghey no matter what.

#34 Just because a man is married/engaged/dating/sleeping with a girl doesn't mean they're dead. So get off our balls for staring.