Taser as a Gift?

[Blue Rat]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

[BrewMaster]

ROFLMAO. Great story!

[BFloFoxRider.]

this is why when my dad wanted to bring his police taser home and hit me with it a few times i said no

[Pain Freak]

That is without a doubt the funniest thing I have ever read on STR.

[un-kola]

Lol that was funny.I thought only Marines would do something like that. Two thoughts though,
1.- Are you sure your wife won't use it on you if you Pi$$ her off enough? (Mine probobly would!)
2.- The cat was really saying "do it again....harder
harder!" - Lloyd

[26'er Zen Master]

what brand of taser is that and what power? is it a taser or a stun gun? I have 350,000 volt one and I can hit myself with that without much effect...I want one that strong so i can "motivate" friends at the loop.

[RacinJason]

That was a great story I'm still laughing.

Dave hit Rob at the loop like 5 times and it didn't do much.
I think the brand and power make a big difference.

[jonathan_sykes81]

Such a funny story, I can't wait to let my wife read this.

[gregOREO]

[mfoga]

Thats way to funny. I have seen them used first hand many a times and its not pretty. Did you end up with two nice marks from it too?

[Blue Rat]

Originally Posted by mfoga

Thats way to funny. I have seen them used first hand many a times and its not pretty. Did you end up with two nice marks from it too?

This was just a funny story I received in an email ...

[bighit8]

Holy cow! I must say you get the Darwin award of the month.

[Seat Sniffer]

Originally Posted by BrewMaster

ROFLMAO. Great story!

+1. Awesome! My hat comes off to you sir. This reminds me of the time I accidentally peed on an electrical fence. Only 10,000 volts though, so it was more of tingle. Is there a risk of sterility from doing that?

[92se-r]

The one I got my fiance totally arcs across. No need touch metal surface. I still haven't convinced any of my friends to be test subjects though, no matter how much money I offer. Weak.

[Rockinthecasbah]

one time we tasered the water in the bottom of the shower why my friend was showering way to freaking fun!! but your taser sounds alot stronger

[Chewyeti]

i tase my roommates.... ask theclayster LOL

[theclayster]

Originally Posted by Chewyeti

i tase my roommates.... ask theclayster LOL

don't give Aaron(Chewyeti) a taser...because he will tase you if it is in his hand no matter what you say....

don't tase me bro!

[Chewyeti]

Originally Posted by theclayster

don't give Aaron(Chewyeti) a taser...because he will tase you if it is in his hand no matter what you say....

don't tase me bro!

heh eh heh....

BTW - what is a jamis jackar? in your sig?