I was in tears laughing uncontrollably`

[foofighter]

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you
know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot
at the San Antonio CityPark. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster
named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions

to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the

other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy

and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I

accepted."





Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



************************************************** ***



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...



Judge # 1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank)-- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames

out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



************************************************** ***







CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...





Judge # 1-- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2-- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3-- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer

when they saw the look on my face.



************************************************** ***



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...





Judge # 1-- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2-- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like

I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is

in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the

beer.



************************************************** ***





CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...







Judge # 1-- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2-- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or

other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,
was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
to

look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac?



************************************************** ***



CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...



Judge # 1-- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2-- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3-- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.

Screw those rednecks.



************************************************** ***



CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...



Judge # 1-- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices

and peppers.

Judge # 2-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3-- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will

eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except

that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow

cone.



************************************************** ***



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...



Judge # 1-- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2-- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried

about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3-- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any

oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole

in my stomach.





************************************************** ***



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...



Judge # 1-- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed

out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure

if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted
to

really hot chili?

Judge # 3- No Report

[uzziboy]

this is my favorite:


I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

[PacMan]

Lot's of good sig material there.

[ddmansprty]

Damn funny! I wasn't having the best day...I think things are starting to look better!

[roadkillross]

i was dying after the 2nd round. thank you

[mtnbikerfred]

You win. I've read this many times before and STILL cannot control the chuckling once it starts..

[cjwally]

That is what I needed....You made my day a little easier.

[foofighter]

it's funny i read this and pass it along and when i hear my coworker reading and laughing i start to laugh again

[SheDevil]

I physically have tears coming out...

[zbrown1800]

My cube-mates seem a little worried after my uncontrollable laughing outbreak.

[foofighter]

Originally Posted by zbrown1800

My cube-mates seem a little worried after my uncontrollable laughing outbreak.

that was like me!!!!!

[Chewyeti]

dude i am dying here! LOLOL

"There is lava in my pants to match my shirt"

[Permagrin]

that's one of my all time favorites. "call the EPA!"

[L8 APEKS]

ROFL! Great stuff, I almost peed myself!!!

[strobelite]

thats effin funny!

[Shu]

as soon as I read the start of your post and chili cook off I started laughing b/c I had read it before....that is one of the funniest emails passed around...I still cry while laughing at this one...

[Happy_Gilmore]

To Funny !!!!