Wednesday humor (from the Fat Cyclist)

[allison]

Read his blog today, and the ensuing article "Humour: Leg Shaving Advice for Cyclists" from Bike Radar. You can read the whole thing, but I particularly enjoyed the Q&A (excerpted below):

Q&A

By now, you've decided to shave your legs. Excellent. But you still have questions. Luckily for you, I have anticipated and answered all of your questions, below.

"What kind of razor should I use?"

Get the kind of razor that has the most blades possible. Five blades is the bare acceptable minimum, and you should spend some time looking around to find a razor that has 7 or 11 blades. There is no upper limit to blades. Your legs deserve the best.

"Is it OK for me to use an electric razor?

Positively not. A blade cuts flush against the skin, while an electric razor leaves an imperceptible - but still present - bit of stubble on your leg. You think that stubble doesn't have mass? You think that stubble doesn't cause aerodynamic drag? Darn straight it does. Shave with a razor, you sissy.

"How about Nair?"

I tried Nair once. You have to stand around with this stinky lotion plastered to your legs for the longest twenty minutes of your life, after which you discover you now have chemical burns on your skin. Like I said, use a razor.

"How high should I shave?"

As high as you dare. Avoid, at all costs, the "hairy boxer shorts" look. For myself, I no longer have a single hair on my body. I go through six razors per week. I look forward to the day when science gives us a pill that suppresses the hair-producing gene.

"Is there a right or wrong way to shave my legs?"

The right way to shave your legs is to start at your feet and work your way up. Use long, even, vertical strokes, against the grain, in the shower, using bar soap as a lubricant. The wrong way is any other way.

"I'm nervous about shaving around my knees and ankles. It seems like it would be easy to cut myself in those areas."

That is correct. It's very easy. I recommend avoiding shaving around those areas. Let your hair grow there. Please send photos. As an alternative, use tweezers and pluck the hairs in those areas.

"While twisting around and bending over to shave my calves, I heard a distinct pop and now I can't stand up straight. Is that normal?"

It is once you're over 40.

"While shaving behind my left knee, I nicked an artery and am now bleeding profusely. I'm beginning to feel a little bit lightheaded. Is this normal?"

You know, you wouldn't be bleeding like that if you'd taken more EPO.

"Do I have to shave my legs through the whole year, or only during the part of the year when I wear bike shorts?"

This is an excellent question, but you'll find it answers itself. Once you've started shaving your legs, you see, it's impossible to stop. As you'll find, after about three days, the stubble becomes downright irritating. After five days of letting your hair grow, the stubble will become so abrasive as to take the finish off your top tube.

By the end of the week, you will have caved in and shaved again. Which may explain, when it comes right down to it, why cyclists continue to shave their legs, long after they discover it doesn't actually make them any faster.

[bighit8]

The so you want to be a mountain bike one is hilarious also.

You must get a tattoo. Before you even begin thinking about shopping for a mountain bike, let alone taking your first mountain bike ride, you must get a rad tattoo. It's the law. There are actual mountain bike police out monitoring the trails, and they are liable to ask you if you have a tattoo. If you don't, they are authorized to give you one -- of their choosing -- on the spot. Now, I'm certain that you are thinking, right this moment, "I'm pretty sure I saw a mountain biker without a tattoo, once." I assure you: that mountain biker had a tattoo. It was just more discretely placed than most, probably because that biker still lives at home and is afraid his mom will find out.
So the question is, what should your tattoo be? Well, the mountain biking bylaws stipulate that a chainring must be one of the graphical elements, a mystical Asian glyph must be included, and there must be a whimsical third symbol: wings, a skull-and-crossbones, or a cloud are all good examples. I recommend a yin-yang symbol inside a chainring, peeking out from behind a cloud, as if it were the sun.
Feel free to make up your own story as to what this means.
2. None of your existing equipment transfers. You might think that since you already have an outrageous quantity of cycling gear that you would have significant equipment overlap, making it easier for you to get your foot in the door.
That is, naturally, ridiculous.
You will need to buy all new clothes: baggy shorts, jerseys promoting different products, a helmet with a visor. You will need different shoes, and a high volume / low pressure floor pump. You will need different lube and different tools.
And none of the spare bike parts you have a accumulated over the years will be of any use. The wily bike part manufacturers have made certain of that.
3. Your bike will be be too complex for you to understand. Here's an interesting exercise: sketch out your road bike from memory. Be thorough: draw where the cables go and the where the brakes are.
That was easy, wasn't it?
Now, ask a mountain biker to sketch out his full-suspension bike from memory. He won't be able to. The frame is just too complex -- The fork moves up and down, the whole back section of the bike flexes around, and disc brakes are black magic that require either a degree in physics or theology (preferably both) to properly repair.
4. You must choose a tribe. When you ride your road bike, the bike type describes precisely what you're doing: you're riding on the road. Sure, there are a few outlier bike types (TT bikes, fixies), but even those are minor degrees of difference.
When you decide to go mountain biking, on the other hand, you haven't yet decided anything. You must still narrow down by these oh-so-important factors:

• Wheel size: 26" or 29"? Or one of each? If you go with 26" wheels, you're a luddite who can't accept the winds of change. If you go with 29" wheels, you're a sap who believes everything he reads. If you go with one of each, you're just confused.
• Your riding style: Cross country, Downhill, or Freeride? "Cross country" means you aren't very good at riding downhill, and sotell people you like to be able to climb. "Downhill" means that you wish you could afford a motorcycle, and are making do for now. "Freeride" means that you bought into the marketing hype that said if a downhill bike were a pound lighter you could also climb with it.
• Suspension: Front, Full, or None? Modern mountain bikes have sophisticated shock absorbers that can very nearly negate the bumps on the trail you claim to have come out to enjoy on the first place. Here's a thought: if you want a smooth, non-bumpy ride, why don't you try a remarkable new invention called "tarmac?" On the other hand, if you ride a mountain bike with no suspension, you'll be called a retro-grouch and you'll be rattled into a state of amnesia.
• Gears or singlespeed? When you're on your road bike, of course you want gears. Gears make you go faster. On mountain bikes, on the other hand, it's becoming increasingly popular to have no gears, because it's simpler or something. The prevailing wisdom on this theory is that the only people who subscribe to it are those whose brains have been excessively rattled, due to lack of proper suspension on their bikes..

5. You must learn new tactics. When you first start mountain biking, you'll be tempted to draft, riding as efficiently as you always have. You will quickly discover, however, that this tactic doesn't have much benefit at 3.5kph.
And don't point out obstacles. Unlike roadies, who want to help each other stay upright, one of the primary reasons mountain bikers hit the trail is because there's always a good chance someone's going to have a good wipeout, and they don't want to miss it.
Finally, and most importantly, start drinking more beer.
6. Be ready to work harder for your miles. If you go on a three-hour road ride, you've probably covered 50 miles or so. If, on the other hand, you've gone on a three-hour mountain bike ride, you may not get out of sight of the trailhead.
7. Be prepared to be injured in new and interesting ways. As a road cyclist, you no doubt live in constant terror of road rash. The good news is, as a mountain biker you'll never have to worry about road rash again.
The bad news is, there are numerous new ways you can be injured while mountain biking:

• Branches at eye level: On your road bike, glasses are a good idea. On your mountain bike, they're a really really really really good idea. Really.
• Branches at other levels: Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to have a branch catch in the crook of your arm as you blow by at 22 mph? Or to have a branch insert itself between your spokes and fork? You'll find out soon!
• Dirt is softer than tarmac, but not much: You've probably already figured out that turfing it on the dirt is going to hurt less than hitting the tarmac. However, when you consider how much more often you're going to fall, that may be small comfort.
• You're going to get stupid. By and large, people don't do intentionally stupid things on road bikes. You just ride. This is not the case on mountain bikes. At all. People will look at a nine-foot dropoff and say, "I think I can make it." I'm pretty sure this has to do with all the brainpan rattling.
• Nasty creatures: Got room in your jersey pocket for a snakebite kit? Maybe you should make room.

You'll be glad to know, however, that your big, burly mountain bike is built to take the kind of beating you're sure to give it, and it will only rarely have mechanical difficulties.
No, I'm just kidding. Your mountain bike will break as (or more) often as your road bike.
So please, allow me to conclude by welcoming you -- my roadie friends -- into the sport of mountain bikin

[DownHillPhil]

Oh crap. I don't have a tat

Can I get a grace period?

[ghixon]

This is too stinkin' funny.

[allison]

BigHit - that's great!! Thanks

[ODB]

"Finally, and most importantly, start drinking more beer."

I've definitely got that one covered.

[slowSSer]

Originally Posted by allison

"What kind of razor should I use?"

Get the kind of razor that has the most blades possible. Five blades is the bare acceptable minimum, and you should spend some time looking around to find a razor that has 7 or 11 blades. There is no upper limit to blades. Your legs deserve the best.

and this, leads to this:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930

caution- headline NSFW. still worth the clickity.

[ChariotsOfTires]

Does that Tat really have to have a Chainring and Skulls and stuff?
I like Foxes personally...

[Jman]

Great post, thanks for sharing I love the part on the 69ers just being confused. Even my non-riding wife found that whole post funny.