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02-03-2008, 11:18 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Yeti. Turner. Niner.
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10 Rules For Dating My Daughter
For all of us dads out there--
10 Rules For Dating My Daughter: RULE ONE If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. RULE TWO You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. RULE THREE I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. RULE FOUR I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex and my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. RULE FIVE It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." You have already provided your Name, Date of Birth and SSN for a full background check at the driveway. RULE SIX I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. RULE SEVEN As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? RULE EIGHT The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: -Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. -Places where there are no parents, policemen, or surveillance cameras within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. -Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. -Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. -Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature Hockey games and NASCAR are okay. Old folks homes are better. RULE NINE Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, quick lime, a shovel, and a friend who owns an orchard. Do not mess with me. RULE TEN Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rooftop in Baghdad. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Watch for the trip wire.
__________________
Less typing...more riding. |
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agenthaas (02-05-2008),
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arider (02-23-2008),
backcountryeti (02-05-2008),
BrewMaster (02-04-2008),
BSki (02-04-2008),
ChariotsOfTires (02-04-2008),
denmother (02-04-2008),
Dino Brown (02-03-2008),
Do Work (02-04-2008),
Drum n MTB (02-05-2008),
dubl_xl (02-05-2008),
el_d00der1n0 (02-04-2008),
ezzyride (02-04-2008),
Fishysticks (02-04-2008),
ghixon (02-04-2008),
jayman_29 (02-03-2008),
jfsh (02-04-2008),
JoeTruth (02-04-2008),
JOx2 (02-05-2008),
kanga (02-04-2008),
KeepsWhatHappens (02-04-2008),
maxwell (02-04-2008),
MOSH1DH (02-04-2008),
mottmcfly (02-03-2008),
mtnbikerfred (02-05-2008),
mtnbkrdavid (02-21-2008),
nappyt (02-04-2008),
northshore (02-04-2008),
noweyout (02-04-2008),
OpusKat (02-04-2008),
project_d (02-05-2008),
Rascal (02-04-2008),
sauce (02-04-2008),
scruffylooking (02-04-2008),
silverspot (02-04-2008),
uzziboy (02-04-2008)
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02-03-2008, 11:24 PM
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#2 (permalink) |
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Sir Smack-Alot
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If your daughter looks like this...
 Or like this.....  Or like this...  You and I are going to have problems! 
__________________
L.A. KINGS ... dw-link.com/reasons SheDevil- I was on George's crotch for hours Integradriv3r- How many kids do you have that you DON'T know about Pugz- For an Asian man he is pretty big |
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| post thanked by: |
BSki (02-04-2008),
DISCO (02-04-2008),
Fired Yo Momma (02-04-2008),
JOx2 (02-05-2008),
mottmcfly (02-03-2008)
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02-03-2008, 11:25 PM
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#3 (permalink) |
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Pro beginner
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That was great!
My favorite: "Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness."
__________________
Matt13 "Dont I feel stupid..... I read the thread title, not once, but twice as "Our Reindeer Lives". And I thought, who the hell owns a reindeer????" |
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02-03-2008, 11:26 PM
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#4 (permalink) |
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Dogboy-DT Guerilla
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The only girl for Dino's heart...
 
__________________
Division 26 Clothing Originally Posted by Evil Chocula I speak from experience both giving and recieving (college). |
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02-03-2008, 11:28 PM
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#5 (permalink) |
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Sir Smack-Alot
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Ahhh Yeah!
__________________
L.A. KINGS ... dw-link.com/reasons SheDevil- I was on George's crotch for hours Integradriv3r- How many kids do you have that you DON'T know about Pugz- For an Asian man he is pretty big |
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| post thanked by: |
DownHillPhil (02-03-2008)
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02-03-2008, 11:31 PM
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#6 (permalink) | |
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Dogboy-DT Guerilla
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Quote:
 EdiT: I won't tell Flav, I promise!!
__________________
Division 26 Clothing Originally Posted by Evil Chocula I speak from experience both giving and recieving (college). |
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Dino Brown (02-03-2008)
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02-03-2008, 11:31 PM
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#7 (permalink) | |
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Pro beginner
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Quote:
Oh GOD I just pictured that in my head!!! I tried not to but it just popped in!! Someone please set me on fire!!
__________________
Matt13 "Dont I feel stupid..... I read the thread title, not once, but twice as "Our Reindeer Lives". And I thought, who the hell owns a reindeer????" |
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02-03-2008, 11:32 PM
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#8 (permalink) |
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Senior Member
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This should also apply to nieces too.
__________________
Click the purple box to give to the animal rescue site..its FREE! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/c...faces?siteId=3 |
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| post thanked by: |
BrewMaster (02-04-2008),
ChariotsOfTires (02-04-2008),
mottmcfly (02-03-2008),
Pain Freak (02-04-2008)
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02-03-2008, 11:33 PM
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#9 (permalink) | |
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Pro beginner
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Quote:
__________________
Matt13 "Dont I feel stupid..... I read the thread title, not once, but twice as "Our Reindeer Lives". And I thought, who the hell owns a reindeer????" |
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02-03-2008, 11:47 PM
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#10 (permalink) | |
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Yeti. Turner. Niner.
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Quote:
__________________
Less typing...more riding. |
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| post thanked by: |
BrewMaster (02-04-2008),
nappyt (02-04-2008)
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02-03-2008, 11:49 PM
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#11 (permalink) | |
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Pro beginner
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Quote:
__________________
Matt13 "Dont I feel stupid..... I read the thread title, not once, but twice as "Our Reindeer Lives". And I thought, who the hell owns a reindeer????" |
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PacMan (02-04-2008)
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02-04-2008, 04:47 AM
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#15 (permalink) |
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Don't taze me bro
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No becuase you only have to worry about two penises, those with duaghters have to worry about all penises.
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| post thanked by: |
bjammin (02-04-2008),
BrewMaster (02-04-2008),
DeeZee (02-04-2008),
Dino Brown (02-04-2008),
el_d00der1n0 (02-04-2008),
maxwell (02-04-2008),
PacMan (02-04-2008),
Red Hot Sloth (02-04-2008),
schleppp (02-04-2008)
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02-04-2008, 06:41 AM
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#16 (permalink) | ||
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Yeti. Turner. Niner.
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Quote:
 Quote:
__________________
Less typing...more riding. |
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02-04-2008, 08:01 AM
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#17 (permalink) |
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Aloha Brah!
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There should be a number 11 and 12 STR rule. If you date my daughter:
-You will rise at 4:30am do Holy Jim, three laps of Cholla and Lynx, and a 100 mile road ride along the 5 freeway during peak traffic hour all with a full rigid SS bike with a 32T/12T gearing and no saddle, just a seat post. If you pass all of this you may date my daughter but the rest of the rules STILL apply. -If my daughter comes home crying I will chain you to a crappy bike and send you down stairsteps with no pedals and no brakes so you may meet your maker along the 133. |
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