Joke: Last minute gift ideas for the wife...

[northshore]

[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2]Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife...

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for Christmas submitted
this.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2]Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2]interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2]little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2]100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were

supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the

button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the

blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the

face of her microwave!


Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??



There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really

needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit

I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought

better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this

thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some

assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and

taser in another.


The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your

assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a

major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make

your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst

longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the
while

I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4

inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,
bitsy

triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'??



What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...



I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side

as to say, 'don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a one- second burst from

such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give

myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my

naked thigh, pushed the button and...



HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!



I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in

the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and

over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both n1pples on fire, testicle$

nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs!



The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard

before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again,

stupid, do it again!'



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note

of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap

yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from >>
your

hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst >>
would

be considered conservative.



SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!



A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at >>
that

point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed

the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the >>
fireplace.

How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both n1pples >>
were

still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and

my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.



I'm still looking for my testicle$! I'm offering a significant reward for

their safe return!!



P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!



If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma][/FONT]