Tuesday Funny

[foofighter]

This made me chuckle, Gene i think you can appreciate this.

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints Submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] P: Something loose in cockpit[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] S: Something tightened in cockpit[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] P: Dead bugs on windshield.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] S: Live bugs on back-order.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] S: Evidence removed.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] P: DME volume unbelievably loud.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] S: DME volume set to more believable level.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] S: That's what friction locks are for.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] P: Suspected crack in windshield.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] S: Suspect you're right.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] P: Number 3 engine missing.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] P: Target radar hums.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] P: Mouse in cockpit.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] S: Cat installed.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] And the best one for last..................[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] S: Took hammer away from midget.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[2wheel_lee]

As many times as I've seen that over the years, I still get a good laugh out of it.

It reminds me of one of the first jobs I had after high school at a car audio shop. I got a new manager who was a total a-hole. I don't remember the situation that lead up to this, but he became quite irrate, and wanted to emphasize that us techs do exactly what was on the work order, and no more. I think we were doing a few freebie addons, simply because it didn't take time or money. Anyhow...being the smartass I am, I followed my next work order that said to mount the radio in the dash and the speakers in the door. I did that. When he demo'd the radio to the customer nothing worked. He came biatching at me. I told him that he didn't tell me to wire the stuff! He just wrote to mount the stuff. No, I didn't get fired, but he soon did.

[Wrecker]

Reminds me of some stories from my sister

Customer: I need some pictures of Gensis Can
Sister (after some pondering): Oh, Ganghis Khan, there aren't any actual photos of him, but there are artist portrayals.
Customer: No, it's for a project, we need actual photographs. Where can I get them?
Sister: Well, since the camera wasn't invented while he was alive, you may want to consider the artist renditions.

Customer: Do you have any recent works by Plato?
Sister: You know he's dead, right?

[foofighter]

dam doesnt it just make you wonder about people

[Schecky]

I used to drive the Stagecoach at Knott's Berry Farm.

Guests would commonly say as they sat down on the coach - 'I feel SO sorry for the horses.'
Our response was - 'So why are you making them pull you?'

[SheDevil]

[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,
Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their
house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the
baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned
anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he
would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little
Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said,
"He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little
nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he
will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be f***ed if he needed
glasses".

[/FONT]

[xhuskr]

thnx....I needed that (those) today!