Friday Funny

[andy aka rut]

Three men, one German, one Japanese and one Mexican
> were sitting naked
> in a sauna.
> Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
> The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. > The others looked at him questioningly. "That was
> my pager", he said, "I have a microchip under the
> skin of my
> arm."
> A few minutes later a phone rang.
> The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When
> he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone.
> I have a microchip in my hand."
> The Mexican felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be
> outdone he decided he had to do something just as
> impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to
> the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet
> paper hanging from his butt. The others
> raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Mexican
> finally said...,
> "Aye, Dios Mio, will you look at that? I'm getting a
> fax."

[PacMan]

I've got one:

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[ghixon]

25 Signs That Prove - "You've Grown Up"


1. Your house plants are alive, and you can''t smoke any of them.
2. Fooling around in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won''t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling dirty jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Cheers!

[PacMan]

#23 doesn't apply to me. 90% of the time I'm on a computer, I'm surfing STR.

[J_Sims]

3
5
6
9
10
17
and 23 are my saviors

[Marshall Willanholly]

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, "How much?" He doesn't hear her correctly and says "Come again?" She giggles and says "No... it's just mustard this time."


A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[J_Sims]

As long as the bad blond jokes are coming out.....

A blond is driving down the freeway knitting... A motorcyle cop pulls up next to her and yells PULL OVER

She reply's in most bubbley tone NO Cardigan

[SSinGA]

I'm not good with jokes so I brought a visual aid.

[J_Sims]

Originally Posted by SSinGA

I'm not good with jokes so I brought a visual aid.

AMEN

[No Peench]

Originally Posted by J_Sims

As long as the bad blond jokes are coming out.....

What do you call a smart blond?
.
.
.
.
.
Golden retriever.

[pollu_sean]

I think this one might be better told than written...
Let's see if i can remember it correctly:

So an Aussie was on vacation in New Zealand. Strolling down a nice country road through beautiful farm fields taking in the beautiful pastoral landscape, when he spies a farmer over in one of the grazing pastures having sex with a sheep, obviously having a great time.

The Aussie decides to walk over to the farmer. As he approaches the man violating the sheep he says to him (in his best Australian accent), "Ay mate, where I come from we shear those!"

The Kiwi looks up from what he is doing and scowls venomously and says, "I ain't shearing this one wit no one!!!"