STR | SocalTrailRiders.org

Rascal

Friday night my wife and I discovered that our 12 year old daughter isn't quite the innocent little girl we thought she was.

Turns out that since the summer, she'd been trading some inappropriate cellphone photos of herself with a boy that lives in the neighborhood - also the same age. To make matters worse, she also let him into the house late one night while we were sleeping so they could kiss and 'see' each other in person.

Needless to say, the wife and I are a wreck. In one day, we went from having a kid who would still say that boys are gross, to seeing pictures that no parent should ever see of their child.

The boy was a kid who she would occasionally skateboard or shoot hoops with. Not once did we ever see anything out of line, and we are extremely involved in our kids life.

We have always talked to her about the dangers of liking boys, moving too fast, using myspace and similar Internet forums, even E-mail and we always monitor her computer usage. The list goes on really and we thought we had it covered.

So why am I posting this on here... well I guess sometimes you just need to say something to someone and quite frankly we're both too embarrassed to mention this to any one of our close friends. How do you say that your daughter is no longer a child?

Sometimes I guess you just need to scream out loud to let it all out, and I guess that is what I am doing now. The anonymity of this forum, a place I believe is made up of people just like me is as good as any place to do it.

The wife and I are mentally exhausted, she's all cried out and we're now left wondering, exactly what do we do now? Counseling for the kid, absolutely. She needs to understand why she did this. Counseling for the wife, probably wouldn't hurt because she's taking it as a personal failure. Move? I saw the kid yesterday and I wanted to go over and smack him across the face. I wanted to beats his Dad's a$$ when we confronted him about it. Hell, I wanted to smack my own kid around. What the F!!!!

I'm not sure how we can go about our daily routine and see the kid riding his board up and down the street as he always does. How do we sleep at night knowing that he could easily come in once again. How do we, all three of us really move on if we continue to see this kid day in and day out.

I guess I'm done venting, and I don't really even know what to say, but thanks for the ear.

Parents, tonight give your kids a big hug when you tuck them in . I just can't get myself to even sit next to her, though she still expects to get tucked in every night.

__________________
Beer, the cause and solution to all of life's problems...

northshore

I technically don't have kids but my GF does. She has a 7 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. Although they are not my blood I do wonder about these types of things when they get older. IE: Her son is now getting into all kinds of fights, suspensions, all for just trying to fit in and impress older kids. Her daughter, well nothing of that nature yet (thank god) but it's the unfortunate reality of a child growing up. My GF and friends have mentioned to me in the past:

-kids don't come with manuals
-they seem to be getting younger (doing bad things)
-keep in mind that you, me, and possibly everyone on this STR board has done some pretty bad crap when they were kids (I'm was no angel growing up)
-you can't watch what they do all the time
-the best thing you can do is teach them right from wrong and leave the door open when they want to talk to you about anything
-communication communication communication

__________________
Hawaiian Island Creations
Ride it: dw-link.com/reasons
http://kencolada.blogspot.com

socal ridur

im not going to lie or so something i dont belive but i too was doing the same thing at that age, not saying its right for the age but i think things have changed now before people wouldnt do things like that at all but that kind of stuff is more in our lives. when i go riding and go to skateparks i see kids no taller then my knees only about 5 years old saying things and do things that when i was that age you never saw and it makes you sad when you see them doing it. i think talking with your kid would be more reasonable then takeing up counselling, its not really there fault its just more and more in our society as time goes on i think. im only 16 but iv already seen alot more different things then when i was at these younger ages.

Danny

__________________
downhill, because golf and football only require one ball
Quote:
Rockinthecasbah
...today was the first day I felt like 7 inches wasn't enough

JoeTruth

[SIZE=3]First and foremost, this isn't the first time a teenager (almost, in your case) has pulled such stunts. Kids love pushing the envelop, especially if they have someone who's willing to act it out with them. I've had my share of issues with my 15 year-old son but he's 15 and a boy. My daughter, on the other hand, is 13 and so far, is very innocent. Sure, that's as far as I know but I try to make it a point to know their every single business.

You sound like good parents. Don't beat yourself up for something that was beyond your control. It's sad to see innocence gone; especially when it's so early but this is the reality kids live in now. It's the age of technology and way too much access. To begin, even prime time TV shows expose too much and discuss topics that normally would've never made the airways, 10-20 years ago. Our society has become numb to violence, sex and drinking. Turn on MTV or VH1 for one evening and you'll see what I'm talking about. People behaving foolishly, violently, stupid drunk and naked seems to get rating so the networks capitalize on it.

IMO, kids NEED boundaries and they need to be held accountable and deal with the consequences of their actions. In your case, I'm assuming you've already done the obvious and have taken her phone away and have grounded her. If she has a computer in her bedroom, you should consider removing that as well and putting it in the family room in plain view. In addition, block all IM's and Myspace/Facebook access. Make them feel inconvenieced so that they'll re-think next time they decide to pull a stunt. Once kids realize it's not their domain and it's your house with your rules, they'll start conforming but it's a painstaking long and grueling process. As parents, we must be diligent and consistent. See the big picture and don't get too caught-up in looking like the bad guy vs. the good guy. You'll have the rest of your lives to be friends with them. It's time to be parents with some tough love.

Ask my kids if they love me and I'm certain they'll tell you yes. Ask them again if I'm the greatest guy in the world and you might get a very different answer. As far as I'm concerned...I'm not concerned! I know I'm doing what's in their best interest and helping shape them as good men and women. Our job is to mold and role model.

Out of curiousity, I'm assuming you told the parent(s) of the boy. If so, what was their response? If you know them and they're just as upset as you are with what happen and they seem to be holding their son accountable, then don't blame them too much. But if they're not dealing with it and treating it like it was no big deal and it's boys being boys, then you should take a hard line and restrict your daughter from having ANY contact with him (with heavy consequences if not respected).

Hang-in there and don't stop being good parents. It's a thankless job but the fruits of your labor will eventually surface.



[/SIZE]

__________________
"Merit begets confidence, confidence begets enthusiasm, enthusiasm conquers the world!"

denmother

I feel your pain. My stepdaughter stopped coming to our house every other weekend when she was 11 because "we were boring". She turned up pregnant at 15 and that's when we found out that she had been having sex and doing drugs since she was 12. Can you say "Wake up call". I wished I had words of wisdom for you, but I didn't raise her, she lived with her mother.

It definitely pays to keep abreast of what your children are doing and with whom.

__________________
My Blog/My Sponsorhouse profile
~Weekends are like recess for adults so play hard until the bell rings
Gene Hamilton: Happy, friendly people that may not be the best athletes are more fun than arrogant "experts".

Shannon

I understand what you guys are going through. Several years ago, my 11 yr old stepdaughter at the time was discovered chatting with a much older man via the internet. Her stepdad installed some software so we could monitor what she was saying in these chat rooms and were blown away by language and adult content of the conversations. When we confronted her she was humiliated, devastated and wanted forgiveness more than anything.

Besides the obvious discipline, etc you have to hug your baby girl, tell her you forgive her and help her get through this. As they say, things like this bring families closer together. Aside from that, I'd chain a guard dog outside your house and let it loose everytime that kid skates by.

__________________
Dean: "I can crack a walnut with my ass"

ezzyride

I have a 15 yr old and 12 yr old both girls. It's not easy...I agree with Shannon hug her forgive her and talk. It's okay for that boy to fear you a little. There's this boy that has a crush on my 15 yr old. Since elementary doesn't seem like he's going away. My daughter tells me he fears me more than his own parents. I am okay with it.

He asked her to the movies the three of us went.

You sound like a good parent - no one knows how to parent we all just do our best. They are going to make mistakes they are not perfect. Plus they now have the internet.

One thing I tell my girls it's that they have choices, teenage pregancy, homelessness, drugs, sex etc. They are shocked it's a choice and we all choose to live the life we want. It may sound harsh but it's the truth. There's something about giving them choices. I tell them what's up and we talk about the stuff I mentioned above. They have been in trouble not boy trouble yet but I am sure it's coming up.

My girls now I am crazy and I'll do what I say I am going to do.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

__________________
Ezzyride

~ Pakiha ~

First thing to realize is that your not a failure. As parents we are guides, we can give them as much assistance and Direction as possible, but in the end they will make their own decisions. I take this from both my experience as a kid,What I face with the youth I have been in charge of (12-16 yr olds) at church, and what I'm going to face (my kids are still young). Anger and frustration are normal emotions as a parent, but you now have an excellent opportunity to teach and show just how much you care for and love you kids. Now is the time to talk, be disappointed with the decision and make sure thats known, but hold back the wrath. Your calmness will lead her to patronize herself which will be 10 times more than you could do with a belt. Have her tell you how it went wrong, and learn from what she says. Also on thing that really helped me as a kid was to have pre-set decisions to situations. Knowing that I'd Never smoke and always say no was programmed before the first offer was made, and when it was I didn't have to think about what I was going to say. I know this might sound equally odd but if you are on speaking terms with the boys father you may want to ask if you can speak with him. I know it will be terribly tough not to show anger, but if you can express your frustration properly and explain that it hurt you and that you were disappointed because you had come to expect better of him, you'll place in him you're voice and if he ever gets cheeky again he'll know he has to answer to you as well as to his father.

Growing up my parents always made sure that their love was equal to or exceeded their Wrath, while the paddle made Damn sure I knew I was wrong, the idea and possible shame of letting them and others down again kept me making the right choice.

Pretty much every one here knows I am Fairly religious. For my self as a parent I'd also be spending some time praying with my wife for, One for strength, Two the ability to forgive, and three to be there for my kids when I am not. I'd also Pray as a family. Hearing my mom ask for help made me realize just how tough the choices I made were and showed just how much she cared. [James chapter 1 verse 5: If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.] '

hope this helps
Jared

__________________

mtnbikerfred

I have a 10 yr old girl, so you are helping me plan for the future out loud here.

Thanks!!

Obviously, she needs her wings clipped with the cell phone. Limit who she can call, text and picture message (your carrier can help). There is a huge privacy of minors issue here. she could be sending pics or receiving texts from random strangers. There are ways of "locking" phones so they can only send to pre-programmed or approved numbers, and I would simply take away all messaging features. The cell phone is for emergencies and calling Mom, Dad, Grandma, an Aunt or uncle or two....

There is a small opportunity here to teach her about the consequences of making bad decisions. Loss of so privileges, etc. At 12, you should also be talking about the more serious aspects of growing up: SEX, and that it is the only thing that makes boys like girls.... Disease, pregancy, and moral consequence are the first things to come to mind, but also the importance of waiting till your are ready. Having the means (be it a man to take of of her, or a career of her own) to take of herself AND a child. Mom and Dad aren't always going to be around. Accidents happens all the time. In my family, four couples all got pregnant, and none of us were married within the same year. My Mother- in-law was praying for a granddaughter, She got 4!!!

I would align myself with the boy's family. If they want to know what kind of trouble he's getting into, better to hear it from you guys first. I had to have a sit-down talk with one of our neighbors about a much younger boy not keeping his "pee-pee" private. I've also had to talk with the 13-14 girls about helping protect our daughter (who loves to hang out with them) from things that are inappropriate for a 10yr old. Surprisingly, even young teens don't think younger girls should be trying to act so "grown up".

The fact that you don't have major internet/myspace issues, and you've talked to her about getting serious tells me you're waaay more involved than most parents today. I dread what will come of out of the "slacker" generation.

Joe is right. She's gonna push your limits. Give her plenty of opportunities to make good decisions.

Fred

Fired Yo Momma

First of all I want to say I am sorry about your situation. If I have kids I hope to never feel your pain. I think its proberly a little bit easier for the boys parents because he is a boy. I tottaly agree with what Joe Truth says kids are trying to act older that what they really are, its so sad because kids should enjoy being a kid. When I was a kid I was still playing with my GI Joes and Star Wars figures until I was 15. I watched MTV and VH1 the other day and I was thinking to myself I used to like this stuff. The media and society has these kids trying to act older than they really are.

I hate to say this and I have no kids and I may get some flak for this but nowadays parents don't spank their kids anymore. If I got out of line my dad used to beat my azz, no questions. Now I don't recommend to go to the extent that my dad did with me, but you should get the idea. I see all the time the parents saying 1...2...3...4...4 1/2.... No way, after awile my dad had me trained so well that all he had to do was whisper in my ear and say do want to go to the bathroom? I would sit up straight and take my elbows off the table. When I was growing up I hated my dad, but now as a grown man I realized I would not be the person I am today if it was not for my Dad's hard knox lord of displine.

__________________
And the hangovers hurt more than they used to And corn bread and ice tea took the place of pills and 80 proof
And it seems like none of us do the things quite like we used to do
And nobody wants to get high on the town
And all my rowdy friends have settled down

-Hank Williams Jr.

surlygal

Please do not beat yourself up for this! Please?

The world is so different than when we were kids, they are exposed to so much.It's scary that my 5 yr old already cares if she looks cute!

It's not okay what your daughter did, not at all! but these are the mistakes our children make - that's where "we" as parents step in and teach our children about the poor decisions they've choosen to make and why it's wrong. Kids at every time in life make these choices and they suck and it hurts as a parent.

Keep sharing and you'll get the support you need as parents! I'm sorry she's hurt you both and herself - keep your chins up and hopefully she'll understand how she hurt herslf in this...

Look on the brightside (if there is one) at least you found out, and can do something now about it. Be careful about the how tight you put a hold on her, your in a position to help and teach her about loving herself, if you push too hard she could go even further. Family counseling may be a good choice - just so you can all share your feelings and come up with a soulution as a family

This advice comes from me personally, as a child that needed guidence from her parents, I hurt them they hurt me but I am a great mother and have a great life thanks to the time they took to insure I made the correct choices after choosing a pretty bad path at a very young age.

__________________
~ STR Dirty Girl ~

Wrecker: "Although six inches is fine with me, it'll have to be white. "

boludo

I am deeply impressed with the depth of this conversation and advice.

Hang in there. Remember, girls like to talk. Dont shut that door by going over the top on this. I am very religious and hope my kids wait till marriage to have sex. Likely, no. But I hope. But no matter what they bring my way short of murder/bank robbery/rape, I'll always leave my door open for them. No one will ever love them as I do.

So put in those restrictions as you need and pray for the best result.

We dont have anything more than basic cable in our house to try and buffer our kids from the crap there is out there. I want that kid innocence to last as long as possible. Its hard to protect them from the crap yet teach them about the crap so they aren't totally gullible and unready for things that come their way.

I know I'll feel your pain someday.

__________________
Spank me and call me Jonny!

sdyeti

Danny, you bring up some good points. I went to Catholic school and wasn't an angel though I didn't use drugs or drink.

However, I am concerned about your statement below...this is the same faulty reasoning that people use to justify their inaction regarding things such as voting, driving a gas-sucking vehicle, etc. That argument is "what difference can I make? I'm just one person."

It really annoys and disgusts me how much "society" is letting our young people get away with, what low standards we are holding them to. Well, guess what? The lower we expect of them, the lower they will perform and the lower they will turn out to be. Parents, hold your ground. The kids might not like it, but at least they will respect you when they are older.

__________________
My Blog: Two Wheel Love
THE PATH-Love the Bike You Ride